The Serenity Now - a great Seinfeld episode.
Also something I feel like screaming to the world these days.
I'm eyeing that lonely little cave again. The cave I want to crawl into. Where I can sleep for 6 days. I can get up when I want to. I can do what I want to. I can move how I want to.
I'm coming to terms with a realization about myself.
I am fake.
I'm as real as can be on my blog (that's why I love it so much). But in real life, in day-to-day work my butt off life, I do what I "should" do. I do what looks the best.
I clean the house like a mad woman when people are coming over - even though in real life, I don't really care if there are a few crumbs on the floor. I fly through a work project until I make myself nauseous just so I can be finished FAST. I check my hair and face before playing outside in gazillion-degree temperatures, just in case I see someone. God forbid I ever look like a frazzled mom of a 2-year-old diva.
When do I do something just because I want to? When Amelia is around, she tells me where to sit, what to play, when to play, how to come down the stairs, what to fetch her for snack. I can't do anything MY way. I can't even pee without her close supervision. Maybe it's my fault for letting her dictate so many things. But I'm too tired to fight more tantrums when I really can wait to take my turn on the stairs. Or hold it on the potty until Amelia is settled on her stepstool to observe. These are little things, and I can do them. Just like I can do that extra favor for a friend. And take on that extra project at work. And drag myself to another play place because it makes Amelia happy.
But I'm ready for 2 minutes of ME. Me, me, me, me, me. I'm ready to take the "perfect mom" role and throw it out of a 10-story window. Why can't I just be flawed? Does anyone out there really care? No - I know they don't. I do this to myself.
Maybe tomorrow I'll keep my PJs on all day. Maybe I'll take a shower at noon. Maybe I'll take time for me.
Serenity now!!!!!! Serenity. Now.
Friday, July 30, 2010
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2 comments:
AMEN! I feel ya! Sometimes I just decide that it is OK for LJ to watch another episode of Sesame Street just so I can get some time to even do the dishes without him all over me. It's not exactly me time, but it's baby free time. I'm sure I'm rotting his brain, but my mom did the same and I think I'm relatively ok.
Oh, yes. Television. I can not live without it. Nothing else stops her in her tracks for 20 minutes at a time. Love it. (I think she'll be fine too)
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