Tips for The Terribles

“The Terribles” are different for every kid (and every parent). Some are smacked in the face with terrible twos as early as 19 months. Some don’t see the wrath until 2 ½ or nearly three. Some, thinking they have magically escaped The Terribles altogether, are blindsided with a three-year-old straight out of a Chuckie movie.


My daughter fit in that second category. We suffered a serious case of The Terribles last fall, when she was around 29 months old. And let me tell you, those were three months of pure torture. I did not know what kind of crazy child I raised, and I did not know if I had what it took to continue being a mom.

Now that Amelia is three years (+ a few months) old, I have a solid grip on my parenting. We’re entering the dramatic, cry-about-everything world of a feisty girl, but I’m not scared. I faced The Terribles, and I came out on the other side! Our little family of three is still intact, and happier than ever.

I read my Twitter stream several times a day, and I know some of you are in the dark place right now. I cannot claim to be an expert (goodness knows I’ve failed many, many times), but maybe I have a tip that can help you face the dreaded Terribles.

Tip 1: Consistency, consistency, consistency. This can be a lot harder than it sounds. When you are in the midst of an all-out toddler/preschooler tantrum, panic mode can set in. The temptation to end the shrieking, flailing chaos at your feet is tremendous. But giving in? Is the worst thing you can do. If you said NO, you must stick with it at all costs. Similarly, punishment should be the same every. single. time. I was not physically capable of sitting my child in a timeout chair or even keeping her in her room. My solution? I put myself in timeout. I told her “I cannot listen to this.” I removed myself from the room. She would follow and I would sit, breathing deeply in and out, calming my own body and mind. I did this every time (er, almost… like I said, it’s so hard!). Pretty soon, she realized that she would get no attention from me until she used her words and calmed herself down too.

Tip 2: Do not negotiate or over-explain. Children in tantrums are out of control. They are not able to listen or reason in the heat of the moment. At the start of “The Terribles”, when I allowed panic to set in, I could hear myself talking too much. Trying to explain to her why she had to calm down. Almost begging, giving her this option or that, frantically searching for the magic words to turn off her screams. She simply could not process anything while the emotions were so strong. Once we reached a calm point, I then took the opportunity to explain what happened and why her tantrum response was not acceptable. Usually, I reviewed this information before bed. Kids need boundaries and rules, and they appreciate these discussions. It is important to present the information when they are actually capable of absorbing it.


Tip 3: A calm voice. I admit, I am horrible at this one. If my daughter is a drama queen, it’s because she got it from me. Her tantrums used to send my heart racing. I felt like my blood was literally boiling; sweat would begin to drip. Similar to tip 1 above, when I managed to pull myself together and change the tone of our interaction, her curiosity took over. Tantrums were always quicker to end when I refused to give into the frantic, angry tone.


If you are facing “The Terribles”, feel not alone. Most of us have been there. If I made it through, you can too. Power to the parents!

Fight. Fear. Guilt.

My pounding head could not withstand another moment of whining. My patience was stretched too thin, like a rubber band about sting my skin with a sudden snap. The pressure expanded in my chest; was I nearing a heart attack at age 32?



It was fall. 2010.

I was in the midst of my worst mommy moment.



Amelia was nearing 2 1/2 years old. She was having difficulty dealing with boundaries, rules. She could likely feel the stress that entered our household earlier that summer when her aunt had a bad accident and became paralyzed. Our summer was full of concerned houseguests, hospital visits, long weekend days at the rehab center. Amelia was placed in front of a movie a few times too many. She was brushed aside more often than she would like.

My daughter lashed out in anger when things didn't go her way. Rage erupted from her small body and discharged through her hands, fingernails, and teeth. I was afraid of her.

I cried. I worried. Did I do something terribly wrong to create such a monster? I had physical bruises and scratches. I was abused by my own young child.

Finally, my patience could take no more. My stress level was through the roof. One additional outburst from Amelia, and I lost my cool. I yelled. I spanked. I dumped her in her room. As she tried to escape to dig those little claws near my skin, I pushed her back. I pushed her with more force than intended. She fell backward into her room. For a moment, her rage ceased. She looked up at me with those big blue eyes, and I saw the hurt. I felt her fear. I had lost my grip on the calm Mommy voice. I let my stress level go too far. I frightened my child.

I collapsed on the floor and began to cry alongside my crying little girl. I hadn't the faintest idea what to do with this angry child. I could not come to terms with my own frustrations. My heart shattered when I let the guilt seep in. Did I deserve to be a mom? How could I let it come to this?

I will not forget that day. That fight is etched in my mind. I can still see the look in Amelia's eyes when her rage turned to heartbreak. Her Mommy, her safety, became scary that day.

I vowed never to let things get that bad again. I sought out professional help. I learned how to better handle child anger issues. I learned how to ensure consistency in my discipline. I learned how to calm my nerves when the terrible twos reared their ugly head.

Nearly as quickly as they began, the violent tantrums improved. Amelia and I became a team again. She looks at me with absolute trust again. She understands my discipline, even though she may not like it.

I had no idea I could fail so badly at mommyhood. But I am thankful for that failure, as it solidified my will to make things right.

I am a good mother.

I am a good mother because I learned from my mistake. I refused to let my stress manipulate the relationship with the most important girl in my life. I took control of the reins again.

- - - - - - -

This week's prompt from The Red Dress Club:

This week, we want fightin' words. Write a piece about a fight. What happened? Why? Who "won"? What were the repercussions?
 

Mommy mantra

There are several people lucky enough to have an in-person relationship with my daughter.

Family, friends, and teachers. These people all love to tell me how sweet she is, how pleasant. She is always a fantastic listener at school. Always a good friend to her classmates. Always "so easy!".

While I do not deny that my girl has a real knack for caring and an amazing sweet streak, I also know that she can be very far from it.

At home, the dark side can really come out. We've had some heated arguments lately. She can be violent too - my hair is tired of getting pulled. A few days ago, she even chased me around the house trying to bite my leg.

It breaks my heart to see her with so much rage. To hear her exclaim, "Mommy, I can't stop crying!" when she has gotten over the initial anger.
She is a spirited and strong-willed child. She is extremely smart and knows just what buttons to push to drive me up the wall. And while I have let myself get angry with her, I know I need to get these situations under control. And soon.

On bad days, I feel like a hostage in my own home. I walk on eggshells, waiting for the next little thing to set her off. And that doesn't feel good.

I've reflected a lot about my own behaviors lately. I've searched for parenting advice that breaks out of the "timeout" mold - this may work for other kids, but it certainly does not work with mine. I never believe I have the right answers, but I'm ready to work hard within myself and see what sticks.

My new mommy mantra:

• What will not hurt her does not need a "no".
• Messes, within reason, are not a big deal.
• If she insists she does't need potty, she wants trust. Let it go, even if an accident is imminent.
• When the sweetness comes out (or the monster stays in), praise praise praise.
• The angrier I feel, the less emotion I should show.
• "Inside voice" applies to Mommy too.
• When it matters, Mommy is always the boss. I will not get overthrown.

Wish me luck. I need to regain control of this sinking ship.



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Previous post: Love Thy Mother
Includes a great giveaway. Two winners will be chosen! Ends Friday 11/19/10.

Sugar & Spice - for now

Newsflash!

My fiery little princess may be emerging from her terrible twos!!!

Could it be?
She has been really sweet lately.

Amelia is listening much better to instruction - when I tell her it's clean up time and I sing the clean-up song, she actually cleans up!

Amelia is more understanding of Mommy's feelings - when I tell her I'm too hot/tired to play outside anymore, she pats my arm and says, "It's OK, Mommy. I'll rub your back."

Amelia's transitioning has improved - the "first this, then this" logic is finally starting to sink in. She does use this to her own advantage sometimes ("Just one more show, Mommy, then I'll take a nap."), but at least we're communicating.

This is not to say we don't have tantrums and disagreements, but those tend to be brief and somewhat easily fixed. She is relying on the pacifier for shorter & shorter periods of time before handing it over to play.

I think my little girl is growing up. Again!

If this indeed marks a turning point in Amelia's attitude, I will soon happily announce that I survived the terrible twos! Not easy. I have a daughter with a little edge to her personality. She is independent, opinionated, and very vocal when it comes to her wants and needs. I feel like I've been beaten by a little Jekyll & Hyde for 4 months. If this is the end... or at least an improvement... I will be one happy mama.

Right now, the more experienced mothers are laughing at me. Just wait, they say. Just wait until age three. Just wait, they say. Wait until you have more than one kid. Just wait... it's coming back one day.

I know, I know.

But for now, let me live in my little cocoon of bliss. I'm enjoying it here.

Sigh... what's a mommy to do?

I feel bad for my last post. I was exhausted and angry. And my face still had a mild sting from the slap I got in the mall.

But I don't want to paint my girl to be a monster. She has a sweet heart and a truly entertaining sense of humor. And never fail, she tells me about her "no-nos" later. She confesses anything she did wrong at school. When Steve comes home, she tells him about any bodily harm she caused me that day. So somewhere in that little head she has regret. She knows what she did was wrong, but she just can't control it in the moment of frustration.

As we stepped out of the mall last night, post-incident, after practically dragging her (while crying) all the way through JC Penney, she sniffles a few times and says,

"Mommy?"

Frustrated and angry, I manage to spit out, "What is it, Amelia?"

"Mommy? Mommy... I had a great time."

I was too angry, embarrassed, and exhausted to appreciate that comment at the time. Now I think it's pretty funny.

Ugh... what I am going to do with this girl? Too feisty for her own good. But too clever and cute to lose me for very long.

I need to call DFACS on my kid

DFACS - Department of Family & Children Services

The agency that protects the economic and social well-being of families. And protects children and adults from violence - from other adults.

Which department protects the mom & dad from their child's violence?

I could worry myself sick over Amelia's behavior. Yes, she's two years old. Yes, I know tantrums are normal. I know she has difficulty handling emotions. And a serious dislike for the word "no". But Steve and I have more scratches and bruises on us than we care to count. It is unacceptable.

Today, Amelia and I were at the mall. She didn't want to leave the play area, but it was time to go. She had 5 minutes of ample warning to get psyched up to depart. Did it help? Oh NO...it did not. She threw herself on the ground and screamed. I gave her a minute, but when she didn't calm down, I picked her up and carried her out. Her response? She slapped me across the face so hard it made three people near us gasp in horror.

Two days ago, Amelia ran towards the street. Instead of stopping when we yelled to her, she laughed and kept on going. Steve picked her up and brought her inside. What did he get? A bleeding eyelid! (Yes, apparently your eyelid can bleed. And it's not pretty.)

About a week ago, Amelia pulled my hair so furiously that I was screaming in pain. Steve had to come to my rescue and pry her nasty little fingers apart.

What breaks my heart is that these are not the only examples. Amelia hits, pulls hair, and pinches on a daily basis. This behavior seems to be directed entirely at her parents (lucky us). Thank goodness she doesn't do it to kids... but I REALLY don't want to suffer anymore.

Timeout doesn't work unless we bring her to her room where she can be closed in by the gate. But to get her to timeout, we have to carry her - and suffer the wrath of those flailing arms and fingernails. And if we're in public, there is nowhere to secure her. The car, maybe - but again, flailing arms and vicious fingernails. We've begun to spank her (and explain afterwards why we had to do so, and how it's different than hitting from anger). I don't think she understands that, either. We've tried ignoring the behavior, but when 1/3 of my hair is about to be ripped from the follicles, I definitely can not ignore it.

To be fair, Amelia has her share of adorable, sweet moments. For the most part, she is a funny and energetic kid. She takes care of her stuffed animals with a gentle touch and soft voice. She does the same for me sometimes. But those moments of anger can take an otherwise wonderful day of togetherness and erase it from my mind.

I know I won't be getting any mommy-of-the-year awards. I have a lot to learn. But I try to show love and respect to Amelia at all times. I try to be consistent with my rules. Have I done something so wrong to cause this violent behavior? Or did I just manage to give birth to a bloodthirsty little monster? I'm seriously terrified that she's messed up. And even more terrified that I did something to cause it.

Is there a boarding school for 2-year olds?

Mommy is taking over

One of my friends said of their parenting recently,

"We let the 'leash' out longer & longer, until we realize we have to pull it back in again. We let it out, pull it in, let it out, pull it in."

This is very true for us as well. We want to let Amelia become her own person, assert her independence, and gain confidence in her abilities. We don't want to hover and choke her with our own rules and ways of doing things. So we "let the leash out", so to speak. We allow her more and more freedoms and observe how she's doing.

Lately, it has become time to pull that leash back in again.

If it won't hurt her, let her be. It is not worth the fight.
Thus far, I have been a firm believer and consistent follower of this self-written philosophy. Amelia is two years old. If she is not about to bleed and she isn't walking too fine a line between safety and the ER, she really isn't pulled back. Several parents have told me how surprising it is that a first-time mom like me can let her go so much. I just want her to become the confident kid she deserves to be.

However, now is the time to pull on that leash a bit. She is starting to test her boundaries too much. She's become bossy and, dare I say it, a little manipulative. So now I have a new tactic - I refer to it as, tough luck, kid. Mommy is back in charge.

Amelia will not hold my hand in the parking lot at Chick-Fil-A? OK - I tell her we're getting back in the car and not having lunch. She refuses to put on shoes to play outside? Fine - I tell her I'm going outside to play all by myself. She doesn't want the particular episode of Little Einstein's I turned on for her? Great - I'll turn the TV off instead. And if she wants to cry about it? I'm much better at ignoring it these days. I used to try to talk to her and explain why, but now I give my reason ONCE and only once.

It is amazing how my new tough love works. After a week of doing this consistently, she totally understands. Would I ever really not feed her lunch? Or play outside while leaving her in the house? No. Of course not. But so far, the threat alone is working it's magic. Is it mean? I certainly hope not. Amelia still gets plenty of freedoms, but I am slowly metamorphosing from the bullied victim of a two-year old into a much more effective mommy of a slightly less bossy child.

I just hope she never calls my bluff.

That will be another post. Another day. Hopefully a long, long time from now.

Thumbs up, thumbs down

In honor of Amelia learning how to do a "thumbs up" (which, by the way, is crazy cute!), here is a thumbs up/thumbs down recap of our Sunday:

Gorgeous sunshine and perfect temperatures...
Thumbs up.

Playground in the morning, followed by shopping at Super Target...
Thumbs up!

Amelia managing to get out of the shopping cart belt - without unbuckling it - and jumping at me in the bread aisle...
Thumbs DOWN.

Amelia sitting on the floor of Super Target, taking her shoes off, then screaming "MY TURN!" at Daddy when he tries to put them back on...
Another thumbs down.

Amelia's incredibly embarrassing and super-gigantic parking lot temper tantrum because she did not want to get back in the car...
A big, really big thumbs DOWN.

Amelia deciding she would stop crying long enough to let me go pick up lunch while Daddy drove over the speed bumps in the lot...
Thumbs up.

Amelia not taking a single minute of nap today...
One more thumbs down.

Outdoor playtime and Steve grilling our dinner so I did not have to cook...
Thumbs way up!

Amelia kissing me goodnight instead of saying "no" as usual...
A happy mommy thumbs up.

It's funny. No matter how tired or frustrated we are, at the end of the day, everything is always OK.