Monday, February 7, 2011

A crack, not yet a breakthrough

Pregnancy was not easy for me. I battled migraines, skin issues, ligament pains, and occasional anxiety. Labor and delivery? Definitely NOT a simple experience. Motherhood? Well, if you read my blog regularly, it's pretty easy to figure out that I am far from perfect.

Amelia is 2 years and 10 months old tomorrow. I have shared many exciting joys and happiness-inducing laughs with her. I have also managed to wear myself out. I have battled anxiety and depression. And I paralyzed myself with fear upon any thought of a (gasp!) second child. I fear how my body will react to pregnancy hormones again. I fear more surgery after another delivery. I fear that a second child would never be able to match up to the awesomeness that is Amelia. We were blessed with a spunky, extremely smart, hilarious little girl. One who shows off her fake tattoos and plays rough with older boys. She's an independent person with an amazing spirit. What if a second child lets us down?  By the time I get over these terrible twos and potty training aggravation, I'm supposed to think about starting over?!? Goosebumps and chills. Yikes.

However, there is a tiny streak of a silver lining. I have begun to notice how much I love other people's kids. Amelia is #1 in my mind (mommy bias!), but I adore her little school friends. I enjoy the smiles I get from my friends' babies. None of these kids seem like a disappointment... surely my second child could never be!

Sometimes I call Amelia my little octopus. She is so clingy! I barely move more than 16 inches from her and she's running over to see what I'm doing. Mommy makes the best snacks. Mommy must change the Pull-Ups. Mommy must endure the wiggles and crowding by a preschooler in the restaurant booth.

Last night, I witnessed a miracle. We attended a Super Bowl party. I had already resigned myself to Amelia duty. I expected beforehand that I would not talk to my friends, I would attend to my little octopus. But this party? This party had kids! And toys! And a fabulous upstairs play area. The children watched The Polar Express and played with the toys. After a few minutes, the mommies went DOWNstairs. Amelia? She stayed up there! She had the time of her life playing with the other kids. Playing without a grown-up in immediate view. Maybe, just maybe, the chaos of a sibling's early years would be made good by the future years of playtime together. Perhaps Mommy could get a minute to herself?!?

Friends and family: Before you get excited, remember this is not yet a breakthrough. Child #2 is not in the works anytime soon. But I have definitely begun to crack. Maybe, just maybe, I could do all this again.

2012? Maybe.

Or maybe not!

Just don't pressure me. I'll get there on my own terms. Cross my heart.

Amelia, 9 weeks old

(Photo of a photo. Original copyrighted image taken by Lambert's Photography in Tennessee)


Tara said...Best Blogger Tips

I remember the first time my kids did that. It was so amazing. My little girl is the same age as your Amelia, but I have a son who is 4. I love having my friends' kids over because they all run upstairs and leave me alone!

Mommie Couture said...Best Blogger Tips

I feel the same way about having a 2nd baby! I haven't even delivered THIS baby yet and people are already asking me when I'm planning for #2. I had a very difficult pregnancy as well (hoping for easy delivery) but I share the same thoughts you do as far as a second. Time will tell, but it will definitely be a LONG time (at least 3 years) before we even think about it! :)

Jenn said...Best Blogger Tips

I share a lot of your fears about baby #2. My son is only a month younger than Amelia so we're going through some of the same things right now. Some days I tell myself I can't possibly do this again, and some days I have anxiety attacks about having a newborn AND doing what I'm doing right now. It's wonderful news that she had such a great time at the party. Hopefully this leads to more mommy alone time.

Liddy B and Me! said...Best Blogger Tips

I went through the same thing and was back and forth and couldn't decide if i was ready, so i decided to let fate decide and I choose a window of opportunity that would have been the optimal time for me to be pregnant and out of work on maternity leave. Then, I needed sinus surgery and needed to be on really strong drugs prior to surgery, then surgery was scheduled for the next time I was ovulating, then I started my toughest school year and my cycle got all skrewed up and then I was done. My window of opportunity closed and i was RELEIVED! And then a few months later I noticed how big Lydia was, and how much she can do for herself, and how cute babies are and I think next summer I will be ready to fully commit to the idea and to trying!

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