A plague over our hosehold (mommy vs. vomit)

That's what it feels like, anyway. Steve and I have been catching and cleaning up vomit for the past 3 hours. Poor Amelia is very sick. I am broken hearted. And I'm starting to reconsider my opinion that the science museum was such a good idea yesterday. She may have taken home more than knowledge!

We put our girl to bed, and we're hoping & praying that she can sleep the night without throwing up again. She passed out almost immediately, so wish us luck.

Wow, things like this really make me question my ability to be a good mom. I completely panicked when she was throwing up. It was so violent, and she threw up 5 times before her little body could calm down. I started to cry and couldn't find a bowl in my own home. My brain just went blank! Steve was awesome, though. This wonderful man, usually a complete germaphobe, was catching it in his hands. He scrubbed her clothes and all the dishes and bleached the sink area afterwards. I cleaned Amelia up and got her in clean clothes (which got nasty again 90 minutes later).

I really need to work on my panic issues. Not sure how things would have been different if Steve hadn't been home. Maybe I'd find the strength to do what I needed to do all by myself. Single moms out there.... you must be super heroes. I am in awe. Hopefully I get a pass on this one since I'm a first-time mom. Maybe next time I'll be stronger.

Tomorrow is another day. I will strive to be the rock that my baby girl needs. But I'll also be the squishy teddy bear when she just needs cuddling. It's all about Amelia tomorrow.

Nothing like a ton of vomit to put things into perspective.

A fossil dig and some magnets (a family outing)

Only metro Atlanta gets an entire day of rain and stays below 35 degrees. It is nasty out there. Family and friends all over Tennessee, Virginia, and North Carolina are stuck indoors with lovely snowy scenery out their windows. We get to look at puddles.

So as not to let the weather win the battle, we struck out on a mini road trip at 10 a.m. this morning. We took Amelia to a new science museum, the Tellus Northwest GA Science Museum. It's not very big, but they had several dinosaur bone replicas and tons of pretty minerals in all colors. Amelia enjoyed picking out all the purple ones. It was a nice family outing, and it gave us a reason to get out of the house. Amelia's favorite parts were the fossil dig area and the "family backyard". We made it a nice day to be together in spite of the gray chill out there. Steve gets so little playtime with his girl each week, and we try to make our weekends special.

What would a perfect mommy do?

I could not be happier that it's Friday tomorrow. This week has chewed me up & spit me out a few times over.
Breathe....
Breathe....
Breathe....

Ahhhhh. Better. So here's the recap.

The working mommy in me definitely gets an A+. We're preparing for a new media presentation to a client next week and I'm in super time crunch mode. But multiple disasters have managed to occur with other clients at the exact same time. Clients who have needed nothing for the past month have managed to explode all over my desk the exact week I have no extra time. These are the kind of weeks where I desperately need to put in 40 hours, but I only have a third of that to give. If I'm lucky. And lucky is out of my control - it's all about Amelia. And if she's playing nice that day.

The happy mommy squeaks by with a C-. All this stress is making me short-tempered. Amelia's no nap day had me exhausted and incredibly frustrated, and I know I pushed her needs aside more than I should have. That does not make me happy at all. It makes me feel guilty and extremely flawed as a mom. The only reason I don't get a big fat 'F' here is because I'm holding on to a little bit of pride that I'm actually in a relationship with the elliptical again. It's only been a few days and I still hate every second of it, but I like that I'm taking charge of my energy level (it does help!) and hopefully the lovely squish around my middle too.

The perfect mommy is in a struggle. I have the opportunity for a long weekend in the Caribbean with my sister. No husband, no kiddo, no work. Part of me (the happy mom) is beyond excited about this idea. Three nights with no responsibility? Waterfront dinners without a highchair, toys, and fruit snacks? A no-brainer, right? Yeah, if only it weren't for this perfect mommy part of me, the one with the biggest attitude and loudest voice of them all, prodding me to give up on my fun and stick with my girl.

"Why spend that money on yourself?" she says.
"What if she gets upset that you're gone?" she says.

Thinking of this trip actually makes me want to cry.

Is my attachment abnormal?
Or "perfect"?
So I ask... what would a perfect mommy do?

Mommy mommy mommy mommy....

mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy aaaaaahhhhhhhhh mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy...

This is what Amelia is doing instead of taking a nap. It's a battle of wills at this point. She is going to win. I guess it is a no nap day.

I feel like a failure. Definitely not perfect today.

An Amelia funny re: Jesus (one of those great child moments)

I already posted for today, but can't help but share this story from Amelia's preschool teacher.

Apparently, Amelia is in some kind of disagreement with Jesus. She goes to a church preschool, and today they took the toddlers to the sanctuary to look at the pretty stained glass Jesus. They talked about Jesus and sang the obligatory church school song, "Jesus Loves Me", usually a class favorite. And Amelia, usually the one to shout "more!" at the end of any & every song, kept saying "no! no! no!"

Teacher: "Amelia, don't you want to learn about Jesus?"
Amelia: "NOOOO!"

Teacher: "But you like to sing about Jesus"
Amelia: "NOOOOOO!"

Teacher: "Don't you like Jesus?"
Amelia: "NOOOOOOOO! Yuck."

So how do I explain what that was all about??? And am I allowed to think this is funny? :)

Um... frazzled mommy!

Before I get into my ramblings for this afternoon, I just want to say...

I DID IT!

I got myself out of a warm, comfy bed 40 minutes earlier this morning and got on the elliptical machine. That thing had dust on it like you wouldn't believe. I think it was angry with me for the neglect, but luckily it didn't throw me off & break my ankle. We played nice. For 10 minutes. Yes, I know... wimpy. But I did a hard 10 minutes and worked up a sweat. I figured I can increase the time each day. Add one minute to each day, 4x/week, and I'll be up to 25 minutes in less than a month. Wish me luck!

So yeah, today I am frazzled. I don't even know if I fit into one of my three mommy personas. I'm just the "frazzled mom" today.

I suppose I was perfect because I chose an after school snack for Amelia that she didn't call "yucky" and throw at me.

I suppose I was happy for following through with my morning exercise. But did I mention I reaaaally hate exercise? Maybe I'm happy that it's over for the day.

I've definitely been working. Working my booty off, actually. Amelia went to school and I tried to calm some advertising crises that managed to land on my plate.

Busy, busy, busy. And frazzled. But OK. Things are always OK because I'm lucky and I'm blessed with a pretty good life.

I hate exercise.

Exercise and I are not friends. We've never been friends. When I was 11, I thought I was fast, so I "joined" the track team. For 30 minutes. Found out that even sprinters have to do multi-mile training day after day after day. I don't run. I've joined a couple gyms in the past, went to Jazzercise a couple years go, tried the new Curves phenomenon. And each time, all I got was one hefty line item on my credit card bill and absolute proof that exercise and I do not get along.

I'm babbling about all this because I'm flirting with the idea of making up with my elliptical machine. This machine was purchased after the Curves attempt, as I swore to my husband it was more economical than a monthly membership somewhere. But it's not exactly economical when it sits in a room and collects dust.

Do I dare revisit this dreaded machine again? I'm tired of being tired. I think forcing some exercise into my day (not counting that of the toddler variety) may help my energy level. And maybe my mood too. Should I do it? CAN I do it?

Will 4x/week morning exercise help me be a better mommy? Maybe... I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime...

Monday, 1/25/10

I was a perfect mom.
I followed the rules and had patience when my girl screamed at me. And patience when she hit me. I tried my best to stay consistent and ignore her protests for a "better" snack. Because I did not give in or react to her outburst, she gave up and ate the cheddar goldfish crackers. Ha. I won. This time.

I was a happy mom.
Lunch with my girl and her sweet daddy. Lunch can't get much better than that. Unless it's in a glorious tropical location. Same dining companions, though, please.

I was a working mom.
Amelia took a nap (woo hoo!). I completed a brief media plan for a new client. Sent a synopsis of my recommendation to my boss, and will await her comments. Deadline is next week and I was feeling frazzled. Now I think we're in good shape.

Happy Monday! Hope the sun is shining on you today like it is here. I've missed the sun.

7 years of marriage

A break in the mommy drama for a Happy Anniversary post! Steve and & have been married for 7 years tomorrow. We had a wonderful night out, just the two of us. Saw a movie and had an amazing dinner at a quaint "grown up" restaurant. Amelia had a sleepover with her Aunt Anne & Uncle Brian. She loved it! Actually cried when we left their house today. She says she misses them.

Yesterday I was a good mom because I made time for myself. And time for my husband.

Oh - and we slept until 8:45 this morning! Heavenly.

The self-help blog

So yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've ever had with Amelia. The "terrible twos" have most definitely arrived in our household. No one told Amelia that she's not two yet. Wooooah, that girl was a monster!

Today has been an excellent day. She has been nice and somewhat behaved, and we got a chance to spend the morning playing at a new indoor playground/giant sand box. Fridays are the best!

I've been thinking where I want to go with this blog. I'd love to create something witty and insightful that will make mommies of toddlers nod their heads and smile each day. But who am I kidding? I'm not going to market this thing. I'm not going to have followers. But I do like to write. And I know my life could certainly use a regular schedule of "me" time to reflect on how I'm doing and what is truly important.

I will always strive to be three mommies in one. But what I need to learn is when to put more effort into one vs. the other. And that it is OK to let one go now & then. So for the next few reflections, I'm going to share my success at being each of the three mommies that day. Even if the success is small. A little hip, hip, horray for myself can only make me stronger.

Friday, 1/22/10

I was a Perfect Mom.
Took Amelia to the play place to meet some friends. Stepped back when she needed to try something on her own, and played by her side when she needed reassurance. She tried things she never would have tried 2 weeks ago! I'm proud of the growth and confidence she showed today.

I was a Happy Mom.
Playtime was so much fun! Devoted my attention to my daughter and enjoyed every minute of it. Climbed through an inflatable tunnel, dug in the sand, cheered Amelia on as she braved some new adventures on the playground. I wasn't tired, wasn't sore, wasn't bored. I was happy.

I was a Working Mom.
Granted, this is easy on Fridays. I only check in briefly but spend most of the day away from actual work. But I got a couple quick things done to help me move towards an upcoming deadline. A small little load off my back, anyway. Lighter feels better.

Happy weekend to all!

What do you mean, three moms?

Doing the mommy thing is not easy. No one said it would be. But I don't think I realized just how much I would bounce around the emotional spectrum on a daily basis. As a chronic over-achiever, I thought I could be the Perfect Mom, the Happy Mom, & the Working Mom without skipping a beat. 21-1/2 months after my gorgeous Amelia's birth, the realization that these three identities don't always mesh is hitting me in the face... and it hurts.

The Perfect Mom reads all the books, follows the rules, and ends up with a brilliant, sweet, and happy child. It's all a breeze, right? Ha. More like impossible. The pressure placed on a mom, both by herself and by society is astronomical. And unrealistic. And just plain stupid. Especially when said child nears the dreaded age of two.

The Happy Mom can play on the floor every minute of the day, enjoys reading the same baby book over & over & over a gazillion times, and doesn't know the meaning of bored & lonely. A mom's love for her child makes all of the daily, repetitive tasks enjoyable, right? Ha. Surely no one out there can be the happy playmate for a toddler every minute of every day. The level of energy for such activities diminishes by age. Thirty-two is no match to two. Not even close.

The Working Mom has it all. A career, contacts outside of the home, a touching relationship with her child. Especially the mom who gets to work part-time from home. She has the best of all worlds, right? You guessed it - Ha. Working Mom has as much of a balancing act as the circus performer on a tightrope juggling cantaloupes. And probably gets paid less.

So where does this bring me? I work and I'm a mom. And I am definitely not perfect. Nor am I always happy. I want to be everything to everyone, and I struggle every day to make myself realize and/or remember that I cannot. AND THAT IS OK. I'm on the journey of a lifetime, and I'm looking forward to where it leads.

So why write it in a blog?
Well, why not?!?

We'll see where this blog goes in the future. Maybe today is just one of those funky days that will pass and I won't come back for months. Or maybe my blog will get discovered by thousands of followers who find it comforting, witty, and down-to-earth. Maybe I'll support my family with huge advertising sponsors and become famous! There I go, trying to be perfect again....

How about we just wait & see?